someday you'll find

Damn, I knew I should never visit blogs.

Damn, I knew I should never visit blogs.
Right after I post, no less.

I can lie without batting an eyelid or letting the guilt show sometimes.
Not lying to appear to be somebody I'm not, or living a life I don't have, of course. Just maybe, when I want to get some information of people I can instantaneously cook up a context to justify why I need that information and the story is consistent and virtually without loopholes.
So there are times when I'm not being honest to the people who trust me.
But there are also people to whom I try to be honest with, because by some act of fate, these people have earned my acknowledgement, respect and trust.

It's strange, how we know it hurts to be doubted by the people whose trust we treasure, yet take the trust others have in us so lightly.

Maybe I sort of went overboard with how much insensitive stuff I can say that you can just chuck aside into the pile of "Jo's-emotional-spur-of-the-moment-nonsense" easily which probably makes up 90% of our conversations. Haha, even when you said you weren't judging me, I could tell you were pretty upset still. I don't know. You know I don't know about Dan at all. You know there's never been real understanding between us because there's never been deep sharing. I admit, it's just my personal displeasure behind all the remarks I make but the fact remains that I love and strongly dislike him. And when I say I miss him (or anybody), I really do in fact. And I don't suppose that's the only case you were referring to but as far as I remember, when I display my love/care/happiness for people, at least for that moment in time, I am happy for them or intend for my regards to be transmitted as kind ones.
I understand where you're coming from; how I can just blurt out complaints about people to you and yet on FB or wherever things appear to be overly friendly or whatnots. (Then again, I comment on everybody's FB as if we're BFFs when I might not even know them at all.)

You know what, I don't even know why I bothered to justify or say anything. The bottomline is over time I've come to recognise the fact that you, moreso than most others, consider things more wholistically and so I believe that you will eventually come to the right conclusion about what kind of person I really am (maybe even before I find the answer myself (: ). It's strange, but although that was reaaaaaally awkward, I can feel that compartment in my heart that represents my love for you just expanded by a little bit. Maybe my heart grew bigger, because I became a better person from the many lessons in life that you've taught me.

On a quasi-related yet different note, there are people whom I know I can erase from my life, and things would hardly change. But if I was to write my life as a story, and delete your part in it, the word count might decrease by a good 20 or 30%. If that's any indicator of importance.

You're one special girl, and once again I question.

I must have done something really good, for this person to be in my life.

posted by Joanne @ 5:08 AM