someday you'll find

sighz.

Everytime I read Eunice's LJ I have this sinking feeling in my tummy that tells me great, she's talking about someone she hates again and that person might just be / probably is me. Well even if it isn't, why do things have to be like that, that I don't even have the power to believe that we can at least be civil friends even if we aren't very good friends?

Jo knows she isn't a good enough friend. Jo knows she hasn't got netball or music to talk about with the rest. Jo knows she isn't someone with a cute/blur/whatever personality whom people would love to be BFFs

But regardless, Eunice's words and messages always give me encouragement. Years since she was one of my biggest inspirations and supports, I still hold onto the memories and the joy that she remembers somewhat too.

Eunice, I don't know if I can count properly now. I haven't tried counting aloud till twenty since then. It's inexplicable why those memories of STs together seem so much more precious to me now, but maybe it's just cos I'm already beginning to miss you as a friend.

I don't know what's wrong, I really can't feel it or put it into words. Maybe I just can't handle that sick/sinking feeling that I get knowing that there's someone whose school life practically revolves around Eunice even more than mine did once. Well revolve is probably the wrong word. Well more than anything, that sick feeling is probably caused by the knowledge that I tell everyone - even my church friends, Daniel, goodness-knows-who that my best friend's from school and is called Eunice. And when I talk about my 'best friend' I use examples of the things we used to do together, and basically this 'best friend' is modelled after Eunice. The sick feeling comes from knowing that as the days and months and years go by, this 'best friend' has turned from a reality to what seems like a fictional character from my imagination just to assure people that I'm normal and have real friends/BFFs. Do I?

I don't know. I don't feel victimised at all so I don't think her post is referring to me but babe, it's really natural for people to feel that every situation revolves around them allright? That the stories in the world weave on and on and the point of interlink is them. So they'll naturally feel that everything that happens in their life, happens in the most dramatic and extreme way possible. That they're the biggest victims, that they put in the most effort, that they deserve more than anyone else.. etc. Not everyone can see things from the perspective of others.

I know you can, cos you're probably the most.. empathetic? person I know. I don't know how to say it but I just know you think deeply enough into things before you pass comments so I'm sure your post and frustration is justified but SIGH. I wish you could be happy all the time.

Sorry if I sound like a psychotic biatch in the first part babe. I wrote this knowing you might read it. It's not really about you, it's about what a failure I am at making and keeping friends. As much as I'm afraid the distance between us grows more each day, I'm still glad that at least physically, you're always there.

Well and something else that isn't related to Eunice at all; Well I think I can understand how when you're lonely and all you're more than ready to say that I'm your closest friend. And that made me change my mind about how little importance I was to you - for a while. But it stings to know / be reminded that you're more than ready to drop me for a new possible best friend. Which you almost / sort of have. Am I jealous? I would say yes, but sadly all I feel is disappointment and hurt. I'm just lucky that they're my friends too. And once again I'm reminded of the time when I thought I mattered enough.

Labels: friends

posted by jallyre @ 11:55 PM