I was honestly at breaking point from Sunday to Tuesday, without time for a good gasp of air in between. Especially after finding out my real weight and my BMI, I was in a state of shock, fear and just feeling so lost and confused.
And on Thursday, Sharon and Xinyi confronted me (it wasn't a confrontation, I just felt like they helped me confront the problem) and I realised some stuff and made some decisions.
Just a general update for the people around me who don't know;
-No, I'm not bulimic. I don't binge and purge.
-No, I didn't intentionally try to lose so much weight.
-Yes, I don't eat enough.
-Yes, I don't eat properly.
-Yes, I'm killing myself by getting involved in so many things and not resting.
-On Wednesday, 27th Feb 2007, my weight was 42kg after a heavy breakfast.
-And yes, that scared me more badly than you can ever imagine.
I don't know how many people can relate to how it feels like, to be so.. strong and feel good about your own size (you don't even know whether or not you're considered big sized because you don't care and you know it's mostly muscles) and suddenly, gradually but painfully all-too-quickly, you're reduced to skin and bones (in comparison) and though you try hard to push yourself, you know your strength is going away.
And you don't even know why because you haven't changed how much you eat.
And then you realise, it's because of all your activities, some of which you aren't even interested in, that take up so much time, that make you so tired you just want to give it all up. You realise it's eating you up, literally, and that you're no superwoman.
And you almost wish you were the same strong girl as before, and you really wouldn't mind stuffing yourself with all the food in the world to get back to the same size, but you're afraid all the food would just be fats and you would never be able to convert them to the muscles you once had.
And you feel scared.
But it's okay, because you look at the muffin in your hand from your favourite confectionery line and you slowly but surely finish every single bite of it even though you're not hungry and it's too sickeningly sweet. This is what every girl wants, to eat and eat and not have to worry about the effects on their body. The muffin and its sweetness makes you happy and you go to sleep after that, praying that tomorrow will be wonderful because you will change your life.
You go to school, screw up chem lab but it's okay because you had a huge breakfast. It's not lunch time yet, but you get a nice substantial, filling snack for the sake of it because you need to gain weight. And you have lunch and for once, you're not feeling dead through CCA. After CCA, you take a bus down to training and for once as well, you're not trying to shove dinner down your throat during the bus ride and running for training. You buy chicken rice ("more rice, please") and go for training.
After training, your seniors see to it that you have a good meal at Macs. Knowing that you have no money, they offer to treat you. You sit at Macs, eating happily and gossiping with your friends until you need to leave to catch the last bus, and call Daniel to wish him a happy 6 months, though it's really just that split second between the 29th Feb and 1st Mar which you think is the 30th of Feb. The next day, Mel buys you a huge bar of Cadbury marble and attaches a nice card of encouragement.
You wake up at 11, eat half a huge bar of Cadbury dairy milk and sandwiches amongst other things before going for training at 12 only to have lunch at 12:30, which was rice with sweetsour pork and veg. And a very sweeeet oreo ice blend. And you finish the rest of the chocolate bar with help from your teammates and survive a very painful but fruitful training.
And you can't help but notice how your week has turned from a living hell to such a rewarding one. =)
Thanks for all the encouragement. Everybody everybody everybody. I don't know where to start and the list will go on always.
posted by jallyre @ 3:18 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home