someday you'll find

EMO POST BUT HAPPY JO!

Have you ever had a friend who meant so much to you, life was unimaginable without her?
Have you ever had a friend who was so much like you, knew you so well and whom you knew so well that it was scary but so fun at the same time?
Have you ever had a friend whom you just couldn't stand sometimes, and yet whenever you think about your friendship with her you'd smile and think, "so this is what it's like to have a sister"? A friend who relied on you, and whom you had to look out for. A friend who was worth it all.

And have you ever had a friend whom you quarreled so much with that when things finally became peaceful you took her for granted and hurt her feelings because you knew you could?
Have you ever had a friend whose opinion still matters to you even after a year of trying to ignore each others existence?
Have you ever had a friend whom you hurt so deeply that the hurt in both of you remained for more than a year? That she was the last one, the only one you hadn't talked to and almost expected never to for the rest of your life?

I've had such a friend. And even at this point of time, I don't know what tense to use to describe this friendship. I've had a friend who was and is a lot of things to me - The sister I never had. The person who shared so many interests with me. The person who taught me a lot of things. The person who started growing up with me. The person who played one of the biggest roles in changing me. The list goes on, and she knows it.

I've had a friend who treasures the friendship we shared enough to take the first step to right the wrongs that I made. A friend whom I know well enough to know that it wasn't easy to do that at all.

Even now, especially in the past few trying months of my life, it seems clear to me that I've never had someone more like a best friend to me. You're right, I did that to annoy you. And make you jealous. And I knew you were and I actually thought it was cute. It used to make me smile, because I was glad that I was important to you since in most of year 3 and 4, I was the one getting jealous more often. Of Almeric, of Tiff, of him, of her.. Silly of me huh. I know the It thing was the ultimate act of betrayal and the you had to find out in the worst way possible, but I was too embarassed and at a loss to know what to do at all. And you still friended me after that even though it scarred you. You still bothered to try to forgive me. My dear, that more than made up for all the times when I was the one who said sorry first. (And I'm sorry for always going on about that.)

You know, in those months when I felt you were dependent on me, I really had fun being best friends with you. To worry about you, to reassure you that you had my support in the decisions that you made as the captain, to know that in our clique of friends we were the closest. It became so matter-of-fact to me that I really didn't treasure that time enough and before I knew it it was gone.

Like you, I don't think this post would do our friendship any justice. Like you, I don't know where to start and how to continue. Like you, I don't think I'm being honest enough and can be honest enough without spending an entire day or longer writing this. Like you, like you, like you.

It's even harder now, after realising that you've forgiven me, to accept that I lost a friendship that was worthy of lasting forever. In all honesty, if we hadn't gone our separate ways I don't think my life would be anywhere like what it is now but still, it's a pity.

It's really ironic, how on that fateful night when it all came apart; that Thursday when we left the team, Eunice and Aiwei were the ones who seemed like / said that they'd never forgive you guys and yet they were the ones who managed to talk civilly with you guys first. But somehow this year, things were better with Mira and then Alex and recently Kris. But I never expected to talk to you ever again. For the first time, maybe, I was wrong in understanding how you felt. I really believed that the friendship lost its importance to you totally. I'm really shocked but glad at the same time that you took the first move to reach out to me, to make some kind of difference.

Actually I'm writing all of this because I really don't know how to react and I don't even know what I'm feeling inside. A mix of happy, scared, regret, everything. So I think I'll just let you know; you're not alone.

I know I didn't even have to write all this, and you'd still know how I feel. Because that's how best friends work. And real best friends still have that connection even if they aren't actually best friends anymore. (Is it? Hahah.)

Sigh, I think I just ruined it all with my post. As usual, I deviated away from the main point haha. Well you know what I mean. I know what you mean. That's what matters yup? Don't know if anythings going to be different from now on and I really don't dare to expect anything but I'm really glad.. ....... I'm just really glad. Hahah.

To summarise;
1. Thank you.
2. I understand, I really do. I don't even know why I understand you so well haha.
3. The bear - I've never played it again since the very first time. Just so you know, after reading your card I realised that I'd rather you be happy being friends with me than hear you say sorry.

Well, your bear definitely beats the one my parents got me from the Esplanade bear place on the day of our violin performance there at the end of Feb. That's the 2nd last time I thought about you before my birthday btw. The last time was on Cheerobics day before I left the house. The bear gave me the strength to last through the day, if that means anything to you.

Year 6 seems so much more exciting now and worth looking forward to.


edit: MOERUZE, BURNING! :D for old times sake.
i miss..

Labels: friends

posted by jallyre @ 1:51 AM