I heard this song on the plane home. In the darkness of the plane, my tears fell silently.
I'm five years old it's getting cold I've got my big coat on I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you I run and run Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides look now the sky is gold I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home
I don't know why all the trees change in the fall I know you're not scared of anything at all Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away But I know I had the best day with you today
I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away And we talk and window shop till I forgot all their names
I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel ok But I know I had the best day with you today
I have an excellent father His strength is making me stronger God smiles on my little brother Inside and out he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run And I had the best days with you
There is a video I found from back when I was three You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world
Now I know why all the trees change in the fall I know you were on my side even when I was wrong And I love you for giving me your eyes Staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew So I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today.
Daddy I was really sad and sorry that we fought the first thing when I saw you once I got out of the airport. Everyday I'm with you and Mummy are the best days of my life. I'm not kidding at all. Nobody else could compare. I love you forever.
Back home! Although the "only telling the people I wanted to see that I was coming back" plan didn't follow through like I thought I could, I guess things were still reasonably fun!
21st - 22nd sleepover at Gnia's (fine, I only got there past midnight..)
OH AND HEE. A sneak peak of our mini stills-skit, "The Bandit and the Housewife"! We are such talented disguisers hehehe.
Aegyo series hahah. Gross (me), I know. -.-
And I am so blessed to have been able to have dinner with my BFFs later that night. (:
Nowadays I'm really appreciative of and thankful for the smallest things in life. Yes, I do still bitch and moan about lots of things but thank you Lord for giving me these wonderful friends. Everyone who appears in this post. (:
And we went back to school too! Just to hang out at night.
I guess photos should stop here in case peoples' careers get jeopardized. Seriously.
(Haha that was all I could say. "Seriously. ... Seriously. *rolls eyes*")
I love you all. (: I had a wonderful time. If only it was a strictly Fibo cheer day, that would've been awesome. But it was nice seeing Joshua! Hahah.
Alright, good morning world! Seeya later!
PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LOVELIEST JING (CHO WEN JING). I love you x 100000000 and I can't wait to see you soon (in UK?). (: Love you forever and have the greatest 20th birthday (and 21st year) of your life!
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way. People are people, And sometimes we change our minds. But its killing me to see you go after all this time.
Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie, Its the kinda ending you dont really wanna see. Cause its tragedy and itll only bring you down, Now I dont know what to be without you around.
And we know its never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, noone here to save me. Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I cant, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to.
Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people, And sometimes it doesnt work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.
And we know its never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I cant, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to.
Its two a.m. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know its not easy, Easy for me. Its two a.m. Feelin like I just lost a friend. Hope you know this aint easy, Easy for me.
And we know its never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
I cant, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to.
Dreams. I'm getting dreams that I can remember when I wake up, finally. I guess it comes with having a good night's sleep. I'm proud to say that these days I have been sleeping before 12 (unless I try very hard to stay up) and waking up automatically in the mornings, any time between 5-9am. Sadly, I seem to wake up automatically even if I don't get 8 hours of sleep! Hahah well I guess it's got something to do with the fact that the sky is so insanely bright even at 5. In any case, this is much better than the times I used to fall asleep at 9 in the morning or even 1 in the afternoon, and wake up when the sky is dark at 10pm, or even 1am.
In last night's dream, I was part of a travelling performing group. I was a senior junior, which reminded me a lot of life in Denvers. But somewhere along the way, I didn't manage to make it in time, and the group left for another country without me. I remember, I had to make my way across slippery rocky boulders on the edge of the island, (something like what we had to do in Penang during junior catechists retreat) trying to grab the attention of the troupe departing on a boat.
And just like in Penang, after failing to get the boat, and after drowning in despair in the rain, stranded on the bordering boulders, I had to make my way up through a jungle. It was exactly like in Penang, how we had to crawl up the hill that inclined 80 degrees from the ground. Making our way up against eroding soil, holding onto any branches or vines with our lives, even if they cut our hands so bad. It was the same, with the rain pouring down upon the canvas of leaves above and falling on my face, blurring my vision. My tears were lost amidst the rain.
What seemed like an eternity after, I was still lost in the jungle, though it was no longer a steep climb. I saw three hikers in the distance, and I ran after them at once. I couldn't tell if they were friend or foe, but the desire for companionship overwhelmed me. And for some reason, I felt so comforted by their presence, even with such a distance between us. I ran, and ran. I got so very close, and then they were gone. Just like that, vanished before my eyes. I stood in the middle of the clearing where I had last seen them. It was completely silent, with only the slight rustling of leaves beneath my own feet. Had I imagined it? Had I, for that moment, imagined that I wasn't alone? Unconvinced, I ran towards the brightest path and followed it until I came to a point where, had I not stopped, the next step I took would have sent me dropping a good 8 feet onto the landing below.
I was at the end of the bright path, and right before me was endless light and what seemed to be the way out. I was so stunned by the revelation, that I could not react to the sudden force from behind me. I never found out what it was -- I tumbled forward, lost my footing and fell off the edge. I closed my eyes and braced myself to land headfirst or hit my neck somehow. The fall felt long, but I never did hit the ground. I opened my eyes slowly, but it was too dark to see anything. Perhaps it was due to my slight claustrophobia and fear of the dark, or perhaps it was because I had begun to realize why I was not on the ground; my heart was racing. I put my hand over my heart, as if to calm it down. It wasn't dark at all, it was just so bright that I couldn't see.
It was you.
Now I knew who those three people I saw were.
I could read that look on your face. I'd seen it somewhere before... I blinked.
My eyes flew open. I was in my bedroom. Everything was as it was when I fell asleep. For a moment, I forgot about the dream, except my hand was still on my heart.
I woke up because I had pulled myself out of the dream. Because I didn't want a dream like that to continue.
The look, it said you were sorry.
- How can you do this to me. ): After we've been partners for so long and I trusted you with my life.
Flyer!Jo and Base!Brandan
Brandan and Jo's first extension at Cheerobics 2008. (: 16 March 2008.
Brandan and Jo's next extension at Sentosa outing, 21st March 2008.
(Omg my upper body was super fair.. But my legs were nice and tan!)
1-1-1 at Sentosa outing. Hahaha although it looks like a 8-1-1..
I miss those days, my dear base! Esp now that you're stronger after army! (: I miss you LA. I love Denvers heaps..
There was this point of time where I was talking to someone on Facebook chat. And he would often go offline in the middle of the conversation, which was kinda annoying so I asked him why he kept going offline for short periods of time and then appearing online again.
And he said, 'Oh I think there's something wrong with this computer.'
Then by accident I found out that when I typed something, he would appear online again. I decided, it was probably a Facebook glitch.
Two days ago, while talking to Janice I found out: When you appear offline on Facebook chat, when someone types something to you, you'll appear online automatically. I realise now, that the person might've been trying to appearing offline so I would stop talking. And I might've done the exact opposite. I'm sorry.
Bro (Hari).. this is like what I said. The negatives keep appearing and haunting me though I try to focus only on the positives. Is it wrong? Am I not supposed to feel this way?
Although I don't remember who that person is, I guess it might be a good thing that I don't. I can barely tell the difference between forgetting and forgiving anymore.
On Thursday, I met up with Janice and Ryan (her HK boyfriend! (: ) for lunch at Tasuke, and after that Janice and I just spontaneously decided to go to the ANU School of Music to use the pianos. I've heard from some before, that we could go to the School of Music to play the piano, but I never imagined it to be like this.
This is all I have ever dreamt of, that made me want to study music in university. Corridors upon corridors of smaller rooms with an upright piano for individual practice (think normal piano lesson rooms in Manderville), and larger rooms with a grand piano and a music stand like the set up in violin exam conditions, and rooms with two pianos side by side for duet practice. The moment I stepped in one of those rooms, I could feel my heart racing and my fingers longing to touch one of those beautiful keys to hear the sound of heart melting chords under the touch of my fingers.
Now, all the more, I'm willing to pay that five thousand more a year to have a place in Davey. Rather than having music rooms within the hall / college (like B&G, John's and Kinloch), I'd rather be at Davey where it's so close to the School of Music. I'd rather practice there, than in the internal music rooms, cos that just feels like NUS High hostel. :X
Ah man... I'm addicted to playing the piano now. But I have no time left in Canberra! Barely any time to do the things I need to do. Uh oh!
I woke up this morning to the strangest feeling of dread in my stomach. For reasons unknown and probably beyond comprehension for mere humans like me, I was able to immediately identify the cause of that sensation.
I guess I've just become slightly paranoid and scared of people mistaking my intentions. Especially cos he's good friends with Shaun. But I felt kinda.. bad for him when I called him and he sounded like he didn't even notice it was his birthday, and said I was the first to wish him. I guess, I really wanted to be there for him in Hari's place.
The feelings of guilt, regret and gratitude I had towards Cai Yue made writing a heartfelt message easier than it was for anybody else. And while I was excited to finish making cards for everyone else, I guess time constraints made that quite impossible -- I was actually doing them right until the moment before I left the house for the airport haha. (Thank you though, Ben, for the gorgeous card and Eunice for the amazing cookies!) So well.. I guess those words won't be seen or heard after all.
Actually, I barely remember what I wrote. I just didn't think I wanted him to see it.
Cai Yue, are you there? I haven't seen you online for ages, I hope you're okay. You didn't reply my text either, so I switched back to my Aussie SIM card. It's been raining heaps lately, is your knee still hurting? :\ Hahah OLD ALREADY, maybe it's rheumatism. I heard drinking a spoonful of cod liver oil with orange juice before resting helps! Or rubbing with hot vinegar before going to bed. (HAHA I'm just kidding. It's probably only for old people with actual arthritis/rheumatism.)
It's a pity, but I don't think I can tell you all this.
I sincerely hope you get well soon! No matter how long "soon" takes. (: I'm going to play indoor soccer with my friends more often this year (They're really really good though. :X)! Maybe we can play together next time. (:
Next time, when everything's not so weird. No matter when "next time" is, I'll look forward to it. (:
Sorry for throwing away your Christmas card! (Although you can't see it, self praise aside, I assure you it was actually pretty nice! Hahahha.) It's just weird to give it to you. Next year (It's this year, really). Next year, everyone will get one!
In fact, hehe. I've finished Valentines Day cards! I'll need to mail them soon lest they get lost in the mail. :) Btw guys, I have this horrible habit of not writing peoples' names on the envelope and only their addresses. Hahahah but well my letters are very PG-13, and parent safe. Hehehe. I think.
Aaah Chris has to take his IELTS (Some standardized English test.. compulsory for foreign students who don't have English as their first language) test to apply for PR or visa extension. I'm scared he fails it or he can't get his PR! Tim and I are meant to tutor him next week! Hope there's enough time. He has to go all the way to Cairns to take it cos there's just no time! Aaaahhh (hehe I wouldn't mind joining him in Cairns)!!
I had a really nice dream last night. I guess it has something to do with falling asleep at 11pm which is considerably early.
I haven't dreamed of you in so long, Dan! Hahah. This one was pretty cute, because there was a bouncing baby who had the sweetest laugh and literally.. bounced. It was kinda weird. She bounced so high her head nearly hit the ceiling.
And then there was Ada. I know why she was in there, because it felt the same as that day.
Jeff was also there. In fact, the entire Parlour was there cos in my mind, it was staff party day (which is next Monday in reality! :D) and then we all got drunk and passed out in the restaurant?! Maybe we got drugged!
Oh and there was Chris. I remember now, it was the 30th of December. I remember I had something to tell Chris, when we were like tipsy and everyone had passed out already. I said, can we go out after this? And he was like, 'Oh you wanna spend New Years Eve together?'
Hahaha. It's not convenient to discuss his tone and my feelings here, but I'm just going to say it means nothing to me at all. CHRIS YOU'RE DAMN STUPID HAHAHA. Please go and die in Cairns.
And there was also you.
You made it a nightmare.
-
I read my diary today. Apparently in April/May, I felt "a liberating sense of relief and an inexplicable excitement" at the idea of liking someone here. I guess that's where it all began. The first time I experienced the exhilarating rise in heart rate, the uncontrollable giggles, and the 'I can't stop smiling when I think of you'.
More importantly, I thought I was safe. Safe from the hallucinations
It's really the ideal job, I couldn't ask for more!
(It's kinda like a spinoff of my church baby-sitting, except I get paid!)
It's at a local music store that my friend's parents own! They're going to be having a garage sale! And they also need runners for toddler music camp so I'll be helping out! And I really wanted to help teach classes too! But it seems like my schedule won't allow it.. I'm looking forward to junior camp! :D
And soon it'll be O week! Since I'm not going back, I'll be around to welcome this year's freshmen and be part of the orientation! And the parties and dinners! And most importantly, I wanna get my hands on this year's ANU Snowsports Club shirt or hoodie! (Then again I can buy it when I come back.) Hahah. Looking forward to it! And there's also Inward Bound, the annual interhall navigation race! Hehehe. Aaahh summer.
(But it's still really hot, and I still can't stand it!)
PS. I'm at Parlour now waiting for Janice to come! I miss you heaps babe - Can't wait to see you! I'm gonna make myself a milkshake now. (:
PPS. Argh... It's Guy working tonight. He hasn't worked weekdays for so long arghhh WHY.
Since this one sided friendship is more lasting than loving someone
When there are no more "What if"s left to consider,
Only the precious things we've lost
Remain unchanged forever
Hahaha oh noo. I think it's because my notebook died, and I got a new (temporary) one to last me before my Macbook, so I've been looking for lots of songs to add to my library. I even bought Matt's songs off iTunes! Hahah he's my cook/manager at my work place, and also a professional singer. I should go for one of his gigs sometime soon!
ANYWAY, on a happier note, I had fun going through heaps and heaps and heaps of Cyanide and Happiness to find relevant ones. My eyes hurt but I got kinda hooked! I just read today, and January 4th and January 6th's are pretty good ehehe. Hahah. The awesome thing about these is that they're not like, uproariously funny, but just.. ridiculous! And it's like funny in a really subtle way (or maybe I'm slow?) so there's sort of an awkward pause before you get the joke, but it's hilarious when you do. (HAHA that's kinda.. Shaun-ish isn't it?) Like, you can just laugh at one for 5 minutes and still find it funny.
So I think, I read so much of it in one day that I can draw my own Cyanide & Happiness comics now! HEHE.
PS. Maria's birthday coming up sooooooooooon! Need to send something to Warwick before then! I love you forever Mree! Your sister is so pretty and grown up now. I miss Marcus and Marian!
37deg Celcius maximum today! Just kill me already. I can barely breathe! Walking outside feels like I'm slow baking myself in an oven (I don't even think I'll get a tan from walking outside cos it's so hot I can't walk outside for long enough). Aaaahhh.
Indoors is so much better. But even THEN, it's suffocating!
