sighz.
Everytime I read Eunice's LJ I have this sinking feeling in my tummy that tells me great, she's talking about someone she hates again and that person might just be / probably is me. Well even if it isn't, why do things have to be like that, that I don't even have the power to believe that we can at least be civil friends even if we aren't very good friends?
Jo knows she isn't a good enough friend. Jo knows she hasn't got netball or music to talk about with the rest. Jo knows she isn't someone with a cute/blur/whatever personality whom people would love to be BFFs
But regardless, Eunice's words and messages always give me encouragement. Years since she was one of my biggest inspirations and supports, I still hold onto the memories and the joy that she remembers somewhat too.
Eunice, I don't know if I can count properly now. I haven't tried counting aloud till twenty since then. It's inexplicable why those memories of STs together seem so much more precious to me now, but maybe it's just cos I'm already beginning to miss you as a friend.I don't know what's wrong, I really can't feel it or put it into words. Maybe I just can't handle that sick/sinking feeling that I get knowing that there's someone whose school life practically revolves around Eunice even more than mine did once. Well revolve is probably the wrong word. Well more than anything, that sick feeling is probably caused by the knowledge that I tell everyone - even my church friends, Daniel, goodness-knows-who that my best friend's from school and is called Eunice. And when I talk about my 'best friend' I use examples of the things we used to do together, and basically this 'best friend' is modelled after Eunice. The sick feeling comes from knowing that as the days and months and years go by, this 'best friend' has turned from a reality to what seems like a fictional character from my imagination just to assure people that I'm normal and have real friends/BFFs. Do I?
I don't know. I don't feel victimised at all so I don't think her post is referring to me but babe, it's really natural for people to feel that every situation revolves around them allright? That the stories in the world weave on and on and the point of interlink is them. So they'll naturally feel that everything that happens in their life, happens in the most dramatic and extreme way possible. That they're the biggest victims, that they put in the most effort, that they deserve more than anyone else.. etc. Not everyone can see things from the perspective of others.
I know you can, cos you're probably the most.. empathetic? person I know. I don't know how to say it but I just know you think deeply enough into things before you pass comments so I'm sure your post and frustration is justified but SIGH. I wish you could be happy all the time.
Sorry if I sound like a psychotic biatch in the first part babe. I wrote this knowing you might read it. It's not really about you, it's about what a failure I am at making and keeping friends. As much as I'm afraid the distance between us grows more each day, I'm still glad that at least physically, you're always there.
Well and something else that isn't related to Eunice at all; Well I think I can understand how when you're lonely and all you're more than ready to say that I'm your closest friend. And that made me change my mind about how little importance I was to you - for a while. But it stings to know / be reminded that you're more than ready to drop me for a new possible best friend. Which you almost / sort of have. Am I jealous? I would say yes, but sadly all I feel is disappointment and hurt. I'm just lucky that they're my friends too. And once again I'm reminded of the time when I thought I mattered enough.Labels: friends
Kegan and Daniel.
There's the irony I'd never dare speak of to anyone. I've told Eunice but that's just her. Hahah. My future? One thing's for sure, he's going to be in it.
Was I just needed to help forget.
I've been unhappy so far about my body automatically waking up at about 8am sharp every morning regardless of how late I sleep, but today I was more than happy to jump right out of bed and attack my basket full of easter eggs I've collected from my friends and family this week!
Strangely, though I thought a lot of people would because it's new, only one person gave me Cadbury's Creme Egg. I swear it's the best of the lot this year. It's like milk cream center and a really substantial thick chocolate cover. And I don't mean anything like Kinder Surprise's 2mm thick chocolate/milk cover. I always wanted Kinder surprise to have more chocolate and milk rather than the lame 'surprise' in the center and YAY the Creme Egg is just that. Nothing but milk cream fondant. It's probably too sweet for the average person, but I'm Jo.
Heh. Shaun's entertaining me on this work-filled Easter holiday with Stomp articles yay. (:
Labels: food, holiday
EMO POST BUT HAPPY JO!
Have you ever had a friend who meant so much to you, life was unimaginable without her?
Have you ever had a friend who was so much like you, knew you so well and whom you knew so well that it was scary but so fun at the same time?
Have you ever had a friend whom you just couldn't stand sometimes, and yet whenever you think about your friendship with her you'd smile and think, "so this is what it's like to have a sister"? A friend who relied on you, and whom you had to look out for. A friend who was worth it all.
And have you ever had a friend whom you quarreled so much with that when things finally became peaceful you took her for granted and hurt her feelings because you knew you could?
Have you ever had a friend whose opinion still matters to you even after a year of trying to ignore each others existence?
Have you ever had a friend whom you hurt so deeply that the hurt in both of you remained for more than a year? That she was the last one, the only one you hadn't talked to and almost expected never to for the rest of your life?
I've had such a friend. And even at this point of time, I don't know what tense to use to describe this friendship. I've had a friend who was and is a lot of things to me - The sister I never had. The person who shared so many interests with me. The person who taught me a lot of things. The person who started growing up with me. The person who played one of the biggest roles in changing me. The list goes on, and she knows it.
I've had a friend who treasures the friendship we shared enough to take the first step to right the wrongs that I made. A friend whom I know well enough to know that it wasn't easy to do that at all.
Even now, especially in the past few trying months of my life, it seems clear to me that I've never had someone more like a best friend to me. You're right, I did that to annoy you. And make you jealous. And I knew you were and I actually thought it was cute. It used to make me smile, because I was glad that I was important to you since in most of year 3 and 4, I was the one getting jealous more often. Of Almeric, of Tiff, of him, of her.. Silly of me huh. I know the It thing was the ultimate act of betrayal and the you had to find out in the worst way possible, but I was too embarassed and at a loss to know what to do at all. And you still friended me after that even though it scarred you. You still bothered to try to forgive me. My dear, that more than made up for all the times when I was the one who said sorry first. (And I'm sorry for always going on about that.)
You know, in those months when I felt you were dependent on me, I really had fun being best friends with you. To worry about you, to reassure you that you had my support in the decisions that you made as the captain, to know that in our clique of friends we were the closest. It became so matter-of-fact to me that I really didn't treasure that time enough and before I knew it it was gone.
Like you, I don't think this post would do our friendship any justice. Like you, I don't know where to start and how to continue. Like you, I don't think I'm being honest enough and can be honest enough without spending an entire day or longer writing this. Like you, like you, like you.
It's even harder now, after realising that you've forgiven me, to accept that I lost a friendship that was worthy of lasting forever. In all honesty, if we hadn't gone our separate ways I don't think my life would be anywhere like what it is now but still, it's a pity.
It's really ironic, how on that fateful night when it all came apart; that Thursday when we left the team, Eunice and Aiwei were the ones who seemed like / said that they'd never forgive you guys and yet they were the ones who managed to talk civilly with you guys first. But somehow this year, things were better with Mira and then Alex and recently Kris. But I never expected to talk to you ever again. For the first time, maybe, I was wrong in understanding how you felt. I really believed that the friendship lost its importance to you totally. I'm really shocked but glad at the same time that you took the first move to reach out to me, to make some kind of difference.
Actually I'm writing all of this because I really don't know how to react and I don't even know what I'm feeling inside. A mix of happy, scared, regret, everything. So I think I'll just let you know; you're not alone.
I know I didn't even have to write all this, and you'd still know how I feel. Because that's how best friends work. And real best friends still have that connection even if they aren't actually best friends anymore. (Is it? Hahah.)
Sigh, I think I just ruined it all with my post. As usual, I deviated away from the main point haha. Well you know what I mean. I know what you mean. That's what matters yup? Don't know if anythings going to be different from now on and I really don't dare to expect anything but I'm really glad.. ....... I'm just really glad. Hahah.
To summarise;
1.
Thank you.2.
I understand, I really do. I don't even know why I understand you so well haha.3.
The bear - I've never played it again since the very first time. Just so you know, after reading your card I realised that I'd rather you be happy being friends with me than hear you say sorry.Well, your bear definitely beats the one my parents got me from the Esplanade bear place on the day of our violin performance there at the end of Feb. That's the 2nd last time I thought about you before my birthday btw. The last time was on Cheerobics day before I left the house. The bear gave me the strength to last through the day, if that means anything to you.
Year 6 seems so much more exciting now and worth looking forward to.
edit: MOERUZE, BURNING! :D for old times sake.
i miss..
Labels: friends
Omg haven't posted in so long.
Turns out my holidays were fantastic and NOPE I didn't get through with my ultimate survival plan of 7 days without Daniel, heh. But that's cos I have a BFF who's sweet and thoughtful (HAH!) and knows what to do, haha. And a boyfriend who's forgiving and loving and always ready with a bottle of warm water and a hug. And also cos I have absolutely no determination hahah.
Well anyways at least the guys (Dan & the BFFs) got some studying done and I really was only there for a while. I did my own studying at home, and all in all my holidays just flew past. I don't even remember what I did. Okay maybe I do.
Eat study eat eat eat eat eat study eat sleep eat training eat sleep.
Rinse & repeat.
Anyway so many things have happened and I don't think I should go into detail here. Well, through all the emotional/mental breakdowns, pre-competition freakouts, panicking and dreading school, there was the joy of training with the Denvers family, sleeping over with my BFFs, having them come support me, seeing everyone in school again and experiencing the joy of celebrating my birthday with the greatest and most important gift that God has blessed me with - friends.
My BFF#2 (it used to be a joke, or meant to annoy them by calling them BFFs - but now somehow even if they aren't exactly my BFFs, GFFs sounds good too. Well everyone's my BFF, really.) stole me the gigantic Cheerobics banner and I thought all he was going to do was to keep it in hostel for me and then let me bring it home when I don't have much to carry but no! He went and got my friends to sign on the back for me. It really, really meant a lot. Eugenia signed. I accidentally called her Bottie again while talking to Alex the other time. I don't know what you meant by some things never change but to me yeah, some things really never change. I just wanted you to know. (: You've got a place in here. <3
And my BFF#1 painted me a shirt! Heh, it's really because of him and his mushyness (not even to me) that we're so close now. I just found it such a joy talking to him all of a sudden and I really got to know him a lot better. Although most of the time we're just talking crap and bullshitting heh. But school life's meant to be just mindless, worryless crap!
And my ______-__, who stayed up to wish me at 12am sharp on the 18th and the 19th. Yes, dear, you were the first and last to wish me and probably the only one who bothered with the 12am thing. Other than Ada. (: And to my church friends who somehow remembered. Greg Joanne Rachel Jane. And Sharon and Xinyi. And Wen Jing. And Shaun.. And a bunch of people I wanted to reply so badly but I didn't have the strength. AND EVERYONE WHO SIGNED THE BANNER. I haven't had the chance to really look at it but yeah. I will look at it and I won't cry! It really made me happy that people remembered! Haha and David too.
It was really a special and fantastic birthday for me. Especially with the cupcakes and Daniel. Heh, it was kinda silly of me to sit outside the theatrette till my butt was killing me (ie I shoulda just gone home since we didn't do anything much after he came out) but it was so worth it, spending those extra minutes with him on my birthday. And waking up to Daniel being the first thing/person I see is always a special, happy feeling.
Yesterday I skipped school cos I didn't wanna finish chem lab on Tuesday. Ended up meeting Dan in town to watch Sky of Love which was so, so sad. I realise we never actually watched a sad movie. Total contrast to our first movie together hahah, Hot Fuzzzzz! Did I tell you I really love Daniel. Heh cos he eats yummy food so I get to nick them. Like yakitori hahah and THE MILK TOAST FROM ST. LEAVENS IS SO HEAVENLY. Hehe and the cranberry scone - I really like it! (: Got a raspberry cream cheese brownie from brownie factory. Sucks, really. Okay I'm going to give them one last chance to redeem themselves next time when I try the fudgey one. If it's not good I'm never gonna eat from there ever again. (Though the brownie cheesecake was pretty good okay.)
I'm so proud of myself for not getting Venezia heh but I FINALLY GOT MY MCFLURRY. Had it during the movie. Cookies & cream yaaay. Haha and Dan and I were like trying the Hokkaido ice cream. Okaaay we're spoon stealers.
And ice cream today with Hari was like THE BEST. I had a veryberry (cos there was NO APPLE PIE ICE CREAM!!) and cookies&cream at first with a slice of brownie and apple pie. The berry one wasn't that great.. Wish I'd gotten strawberry sorbet instead. Dunno why I didn't, probably was too blur. Hari got burnt caramel (which I like cos Dan likes (: ) and blackforest (which wasn't fantastic.. it tasted kinda alcoholic). Then he decided to go for seconds cos this was his dinner, so he got a sundae which was 2 scoops of cookies&cream (it's REALLY GOOD), 1 scoop of reverso (I still don't know why it's so popular) lots of chocolate fudge and a MOUNTAIN of whipped cream. And by his influence, I got another scoop of cookies&cream in a cone. Bad choice. Cup for me next time, messy eating Jo.
I think cookies&cream ice cream has got to be the most sinful / calorie filled ice cream flavor. As in honestly, I don't think there's a more fattening flavor haha I mean Oreos on their own are already so fattening. But it's SO GOOD I can't believe I never liked it till I tried the sweet cream & cookies at B&Js. Then again, all I ever ate was strawberry, strawberry and more strawberry and the occasional mango. I'm glad I don't need to worry about fattening stuff HEH.
Then we took a picture - I hope I didn't give Hari too big a heart attack by asking the pretty island creamery lady to take the picture with us. And then we got it printed AND clever Jo left her memory stick in the printer though she remembered it right before leaving. Thank goodness I remembered on the bus though. And the traffic was kinda slow so I was only 2 stops away. Ran across the overhead bridge (yeah right, I can't run at all now that I lost my leg muscles) and took a bus back. Was panting like crazy but there it was, still in the printer that looks like a bread toaster. I'm so thankful. It was like I was back in Shanghai all over again, when I lost my camera. Sucky feeling. :(
Then to get rid of the sick/empty/in-shock feeling and while waiting for Dad and Mom to pick me up for church visitations, I got myself another scoop of cookies and cream in a cup this time with mini M&Ms with a brownie (just cos it's so dirt cheap) and sat down and calmed my nerves. Yup. And Christ the King and Holy Spirit were selling Sweet Secrets' hot cross buns 2 packets of 4 for $5. Mom gave me money to buy heh YAY. And she gave me more birthday money. -in shock- Love her. :D
I'm going shopping with her on Saturday cos there's finally no training for once. I meant to dedicate this weekend to studying for Stats and Bio, but well I need some time off with my family too. Heh. Yup so that's my life since my last update.
There's just been so much going on hahah and I said I wouldn't go into detail. I really didn't, or seriously this post wouldn't be so short. Everything was fun but hahah well the funnest was still the sleepoverrrrrr+Vivo. (:
I LOVE YOU DANIEL!
I know you find blogkeeping silly and dumb and I seriously have no idea and am too scared to find out / remember what I've been writing in previous posts. Don't take anything too seriously if it's not a nice thing! Hahahah. You know I love you.
Feeling sad, unwanted disappointed and disgusted with my pseudo-jealousy makes me want to puke so badly. In fact, the huge lunch I had is halfway up my throat.
If I ever become bulimic/anorexic it's your fault.
Omg! Am I good, or am I good?
2kg in a week is such an achievement.
Eating to the point of discomfort everyday sure paid off. (:
Well, can't gain too much suddenly either cos nationals are a week away and it wouldn't be good to add extra burden at such short notice. Unless of course it were muscle mass.
And you don't have to talk to me just cos you feel obliged to or something. I'm perfectly fine with you living your perfect holidays with my best friends. Totally.
I'm glad that I'm slowly stepping out of that phase of weight disorder.
And yet I still feel so lost, broken and hurt.
I'm disgusted with myself for being so sensitive and self-centered.
Best friends;
I'm fading out of the picture.
I miss my church friends. I wish I could be closer to them.
Well guess this marks the start of my holidays though the weekend will be jam packed with training and stuff. I'm glad there's no violin on Monday, but there's NEA training thing blah. I really want to enjoy my holidays. I need a break from all this. I need a break from you.
Labels: holiday
Yesterday after training, I went home to shower and had a really solid dinner at home and showered before heading out for the sleepover. Met Dan outside Wheelock and had Gelatissimo - finally found the time to have it after all. The bus passed by Island Creamery later, and I was like.. crap, we should've gone there instead. And the bus ride was so bumpy and horrible gah. And I was eating our ice cream on the bus, too. x)
It was the sweetest month anniversary, IMO. Well, maybe because we simply haven't spent much time together at all since this year started. Yes, I am guilty of overloading myself with activities. I'm glad we found the time. Well maybe because someone's parents are overseas. Well but out of concern for David, we spent like hours just chatting downstairs.
[Well I KNOW YOU'RE NOT READING THIS JIE SHEN, BUT I DONT THINK JACQUE'S A BITCH. But honestly, once again, I'm okay with you not being okay with me because it's not in my nature to care. =\ It's just, hahah, okay I guess it's hard to explain. Well Kegan's my bitch and I'm his asshole? x) ]This morning was breakfast of 2 pop tarts (omg I am so killing myself with the sugar) and at Bukit Timah's version of Killiney. Had more dimsumish dim sum though I was craving for baos. And it was Dan's treat because he's rich. (: Then David came to join us for breakfast and then we headed off for church together. Hahah, okay Dan and Dave cabbed to church and dropped me off at Woodlands.
And I'm home now and meant to meet Alex at Cine in about 45 minutes to watch L! Kinda realised I should've watche P.S. I Love You with Dan yesterday at Lido before heading home but well he already watched a movie before that. Away From Her or something, with some girl from church I think? Apparently she got 2390 for SATs. Mom did her undergrad at Harvard. Some people are just so
wow.
Haha anyways. I'm so glad life is looking great now. We're not very prepared for nationals but it's the final stretch, and we'll make it through this together everyone.
I love all of you. =)
The past week has been really different and full of twists.
I was honestly at breaking point from Sunday to Tuesday, without time for a good gasp of air in between. Especially after finding out my real weight and my BMI, I was in a state of shock, fear and just feeling so lost and confused.
And on Thursday, Sharon and Xinyi confronted me (it wasn't a confrontation, I just felt like they helped me confront the problem) and I realised some stuff and made some decisions.
Just a general update for the people around me who don't know;
-No, I'm not bulimic. I don't binge and purge.
-No, I didn't intentionally try to lose so much weight.
-Yes, I don't eat enough.
-Yes, I don't eat properly.
-Yes, I'm killing myself by getting involved in so many things and not resting.
-On Wednesday, 27th Feb 2007, my weight was 42kg after a heavy breakfast.
-And yes, that scared me more badly than you can ever imagine.
I don't know how many people can relate to how it feels like, to be so.. strong and feel good about your own size (you don't even know whether or not you're considered big sized because you don't care and you know it's mostly muscles) and suddenly, gradually but painfully all-too-quickly, you're reduced to skin and bones (in comparison) and though you try hard to push yourself, you know your strength is going away.
And you don't even know why because you haven't changed how much you eat.
And then you realise, it's because of all your activities, some of which you aren't even interested in, that take up so much time, that make you so tired you just want to give it all up. You realise it's eating you up, literally, and that you're no superwoman.
And you almost wish you were the same strong girl as before, and you really wouldn't mind stuffing yourself with all the food in the world to get back to the same size, but you're afraid all the food would just be fats and you would never be able to convert them to the muscles you once had.
And you feel scared.
But it's okay, because you look at the muffin in your hand from your favourite confectionery line and you slowly but surely finish every single bite of it even though you're not hungry and it's too sickeningly sweet. This is what every girl wants, to eat and eat and not have to worry about the effects on their body. The muffin and its sweetness makes you happy and you go to sleep after that, praying that tomorrow will be wonderful because you will change your life.
You go to school, screw up chem lab but it's okay because you had a huge breakfast. It's not lunch time yet, but you get a nice substantial, filling snack for the sake of it because you need to gain weight. And you have lunch and for once, you're not feeling dead through CCA. After CCA, you take a bus down to training and for once as well, you're not trying to shove dinner down your throat during the bus ride and running for training. You buy chicken rice ("more rice, please") and go for training.
After training, your seniors see to it that you have a good meal at Macs. Knowing that you have no money, they offer to treat you. You sit at Macs, eating happily and gossiping with your friends until you need to leave to catch the last bus, and call Daniel to wish him a happy 6 months, though it's really just that split second between the 29th Feb and 1st Mar which you think is the 30th of Feb. The next day, Mel buys you a huge bar of Cadbury marble and attaches a nice card of encouragement.
You wake up at 11, eat half a huge bar of Cadbury dairy milk and sandwiches amongst other things before going for training at 12 only to have lunch at 12:30, which was rice with sweetsour pork and veg. And a very sweeeet oreo ice blend. And you finish the rest of the chocolate bar with help from your teammates and survive a very painful but fruitful training.
And you can't help but notice how your week has turned from a living hell to such a rewarding one. =)
Thanks for all the encouragement. Everybody everybody everybody. I don't know where to start and the list will go on always.
