someday you'll find

Another hurtful 30th.

If I were Chuck Bass, you'd be my Blair Wardolf -



.. You break my heart every time.

Labels: angst

posted by jallyre @ 3:32 PM 0 Comments

HAPPY SATURDAY.

I got my new camera today. I saved up for it, so I will try to take extra extra care of it. Though actually I feel that I have more stress to take care of something if my parents will nag at me since they got it for me. Anyway I'm happy. I signed up for iBanking today, I trained for almost the whole day today and I had so much TimTam today.

I just got addicted to TimTam lately, so please pardon me.

I realised I have this really weird habit of picking up random flyers that people throw away on the floor at my void deck. Like Mac delivery. I picked up one and brought it upstairs. Then I went out again later that day and on the way home, I picked up another one, forgetting that I already did so earlier in the day. And today I picked up a piece of paper torn out from some magazine - It was a cupcake recipe. I saw the picture of the cupcake from 10 metres away. And when I got closer, 2 words stood out to me: "Love cake?" Hell yeah. So it went home with me. (: Yay. I'm so happy.

Training is LOVE. We had a pep talk session last night, and I tried to be less slacky today. I honestly didn't know how people felt until yesterday. (Well I thought they wanted ME out. I guess Brandan does. But really, whatever.)

His vote said something like "I feel that Mel should be in as a flyer, since she is better and more experienced than some people." Like I know I'm not as good as locking or whatever as the other seniors but HELLO I'm as new as YOU are.

Anyway now Mel's in. I'm so glad. I think with easier stunts now, things are going to work out so much better. I'm happy.

But I feel that I'm not ready for next week. I'm just not mentally prepared. Not only is there Chem Lab due on Wednesday (which I SHOULD do well for since I got marks deducted for CARRYING TOO MUCH GLASSWARE omg that fucking GAYASS retard), there's the usual Tuesday Math/Music quiz and Chem Lab quiz on Friday and violin lesson on Monday, I've to spend my Monday free period zapping scores and waiting for people to contact me so I can pass it to them.

And my Monday is likely going to be the longest day of the week because of that, and the fact that I have to bring to school on that day a Serway physics text, my Stats text, my cheer shoes, uniform, scrunchie, tights and high socks, I have to bring my violin because I've got lesson. Which I've to go for on my own as soon as Stats ends. And right after violin class ends, I've to rush down to Suntec for a performance I feel I might not be prepared for.

Well I'm not giving in to any of my weaknesses. The tougher the week's going to be, the stronger I will get. Jojo all the way!

Labels: cheer

posted by jallyre @ 2:47 AM 0 Comments

Diminishing the influence of food on my life.

I don't like eating a lot, and I'm glad to say I've almost succeeded in changing opinions others have formed that I eat a lot voluntarily. As much as I sometimes admit to eating a lot or even say that I eat a lot for no reason at all, but that's when I really stuff myself to the max. It's almost like bingeing, which scares me because unlike anorexics or other people, I can't afford it. Hahah, especially not financially.

I'm really making an effort to eat healthy now, which really can't be justified by my increased intake in cakes and pies and Hawaiian Host chocolates, but at least I've psycho-ed myself mentally to accept a greater variety of non meat food like veggie and eggs. Only fried omelettes with lard though - It's a fetish that won't go away.

Like I said, I don't want to see the effects of all this unhealthy crap I'm eating now on my body ten or twenty years down the road. And secondly, none of it is adding to my muscle mass as much as I like to think I have a fast food/fat-muscle conversion rate: Now it's probably the backward reaction in the absence of the catalyst- ST induced PT with Eunice! And the extra pushups and jumps I do when she's late. x) Those were the days when I could do a straight toetouch. Nobody would believe I ever could do one, seeing my current state.

I need to pump leg and arm muscles so I can base well and discount my intake of chocolate so I can cheer loudly and clearly without losing my voice. And I'm going to lose as much fats as possible by not being so obsessive over meat fats and cooking with more oil and baking with more butter. Or sugar, for that matter. (:

Labels: food

posted by jallyre @ 4:29 PM 0 Comments

Cheerleading is my life.

New blog skin - because Gossip Girl is such a nice series!
I think I ate more today than I have for the past 3 weeks of the year 2008. Nobody's interested, yeah, but my throat is suffering from the excessive chocolate intake over the past weeks and the nutella with crackers (not crackers with nutella) this morning. And then we had to cheer our lungs out during training. But I've loving it - I really am.
Today we tried the scary 2-2-1 thing with Double Jo and Clar, but that kinda failed when Harlis, Pinky and Ben tossed Clar a bit too much and she fell back and Joanne Hoe fell down on Pam who was trying to catch Clar. Well basically Pam fell on her neck and we got our "break 5", and stopped trying the stunt. We also didn't get to try the very scary double 2-2-1 while Shane was still around. Right after he left, we started on the double 1-1-1 thing. I am so in shock - but SO EXCITED! I mean I really didn't expect to be able to do it. I'm not saying I CAN, but I tried and we didn't collapse!
Thank you Ben, Xinyi and Zee!
Well my base is meant to be Shane.
I need to hitch well and lose weight! I don't want to be scolded by Shane. =\
Haha I've been slicing Zee's butt when I crawl my way up to a shoulderstand. And I even stepped on her hair! Which reminds me, I need to get those balls that you put in your shoes to make them not stink. I have sweaty feet!
But anyway yes I really like this stunt. I'm probably not doing it right, that's why. Or Clar's just really, really light but anyway, I LOVE IT.
We also succeeded in doing Clar's twist cradle but that's probably only because Joanne Hoe's basing it. Nothing goes wrong with her around, really. And I need to be stronger, stronger and stronger. I'm so glad I'm not basing anything more dangerous than that - I am SO afraid of screwing up.
Meanwhile, I'm going to train my stamina (and a good way to start would be to NOT take in so much unhealthy stuff that would clog up my arteries?) so I can actually stay alive during the cheer and dance.
I'm going to persevere and be so strong, you'll see.
(Curly fries with Clar after training! Just the two of us slackers who aren't in any group stunts. x) )

I'm motivated to go for nationals, I'm motivated to go for nationals, I'm motivated to go for nationals, I'm motivated to go for nationals!

Labels: cheer

posted by jallyre @ 1:37 AM 0 Comments

I'm under a lot of stress right now.
I've got a violin lesson for the first time in 4 and a half months tomorrow and I haven't touched my violin for 2 months.
I'm supposed to take my Grade 8 exam this year AND have a decent solo recital but I just CAN'T do it with my current state in piano.
I've got a math assignment due tomorrow and I am totally not motivated to do it.
I've come to terms with the fact that there's no way I'd get accepted into a college I want to go to.
I've been trying to busy myself this whole weekend so I wouldn't feel so damned lonely, but I busied myself with the wrong, useless things and now there're so many things I need to do.
I need to listen to like, 7 or more Beethoven works and somehow be able to recognise them by Tuesday.
There're so many things to do I can't even list them.
I think my seniors think I'm getting weaker cos I lost weight. I really don't want to believe that that's true. I'm really trying very hard to get fat or whatever it is I should be. Somebody please help me, PLEASE. I really don't know what to do.





.. Right that was my attempt at trying to sound emo. I'm actually not that emo because all the eating I do actually makes me happy. I just think I SHOULD try to sound emo considering all the stuff I have to do. But I'm an optimistic girl. :D

posted by jallyre @ 9:55 PM 0 Comments

I think I kinda liked it better in July/August, but nobody really needs to know what that means.

So someone's been busy with college applications to a million and one places, one of which he's bound to get accepted into. Wow, I'm thrilled. I never know anything, and so when he says "My dad wants me to apply to Duke." - I'm like wow okay yeah, and take weeks to get over it. And then two horrible months later, he says "I ended up not applying - I missed the application date." I'm actually glad, but my poor heart has already accepted his possible departure. But yeah, it's still a good thing anyway and I'm all smiles the entire day and jump around like it's the best day of my life. And then the very next day or what feels like it, "But I think I'm going to apply, still, anyway." And I find myself in the library, zapping his transcript and progress reports for him.

Somebody - even if you don't know what's going on or what I'm ranting about - tell me what I ever did to deserve this, please.

I'm glad and I'm excited that he's being proactive about college entrance and I can't wait to hear some good news, too. And I'm totally fine with leaving him alone for an entire weekend to be busy with what he has to do and pretend to be excited about going out next week when I don't even think there'll be time. It just gets tiring sometimes.

But I'll be fine pals. God loves me and that's all I need.

posted by jallyre @ 4:42 AM 0 Comments

Yes, go on Jo.
Continue whining about your weight and fats while shoving Hersheys truffle Kisses down your throat like you've never had chocolate. Continue eating cupcakes, brownies and muffins like they're one grain of rice each. Continue having Famous Amos everyday - so much that you aren't the slightest bit enticed by them anymore.
Go ahead, yeah.

I'm so disgusted with myself ugh.
But I'm more disgusted with my fat brother? He's like the fattest piece of crap in the world. And he STEALS MY CHOCOLATE. I'm sorry if this sounds really stupid or childish but HE STOLE MY CHOCOLATE. And my addiction for chocolate isn't like any of yours - it's majorly hardcore. And it's my milka dairy milk and strawberry yogurt bar. AND HE JUST TOOK TWO CUBES OF IT (yes, how little, two cubes *rolls eyes*) WITHOUT ASKING. I mean I'd gladly give it to him if he bothered to ASK. Freaktard.
I'm sorry I love chocolate so much I'd die for it.

posted by jallyre @ 9:30 PM 0 Comments

ugly life for the ugly person.

No matter what people say, as much as I'm grateful for the kind words, it's really getting harder for me to walk now. And my stomach is expanding without control. I know I probably look slimmer after coming back from my holidays (I assure you, I ate more than I usually do) but be prepared to see a bigger and greater me in a few weeks time. My appetite has increased twofold since coming back, and I really haven't stopped eating once. Especially on training days.

I'm worried, really worried for once about how my eating habits are affecting my life. Is all the cake eating really robbing me of my muscles and replacing them with stored sugar and fats? I've really lost touch of how much the normal intake of cake should be, because to me cake is my staple right now. Along with KFC's student meals and Subway. It's worrying, because 20 years down the road when I see the effects these have on my body, I'm going to cry and feel suicidal and pay my life's savings for liposuction. I don't want that.

I don't really care if I look fat right now, at this moment. I've spent much of my school year hanging out with Ada, Elaine, Jasmine, Eunice, Lillian and Vivian - which also means much of my school year has been spent looking like an elephant in comparison to them. The important thing is the possible loss of strength and place on the team.

Conclusion: I'm going to train and do PT/conditioning so obsessively that people are going to be so scared and so freaked out. I'm going to gain so much muscle mass that I can squash a bodybuilder. And I'll feel satisfied, going for lessons late and sweaty but feeling like I'm living a healthy lifestyle. =)

posted by jallyre @ 11:47 PM 0 Comments