I posted this on FB but my boss read it O_O
I'm used to you being mean to everyone. So don't ask me nicely if I'm alright.
I'm used to your snide comebacks. So don't just apologize and look so tired.
I'm used to you snapping back when I snap at you.
So please don't be so nice,
my heart can't take it.
Cos when I look at you, I feel like it's going to explode.
Utility models
Tired from all the drama in my life, I said this to H the other day.
"I wish life was just H and S."
It made him happy. And that made me happy. Sometimes, life can be so simply satisfying. Although the climb in achieving the desired simplicity stands in our way oh so often.
Oh and GEEK TIME! Just because I really love putting what I learn into actual practical usage.
(I actually find that a really good way to internalize knowledge that I acquire from exam cramming.)
Just some simple math cos I'm no Einstein or Zhao Ye;
Let's say X refers to the group of friends that make me happy.
So X equals to U, my level of utility.
Does that mean that as the magnitude of X increases, U increases as well? After all, it can't be inversely proportionate.
So I guess the answer to this question lies in how my utility curve looks like.
Lets say X is a function of different individuals.
U = X
U = F(H, S, M, G, J, others)
Assuming constant returns to scale, an increase in U refers to a proportionate increase in H, S, M, G, J, others.
I reckon my utility model would be something like U = H^a * S^b * M^c * G^d * J^e * others^f
where a+b+c+d+e+f=1 and 0 lessthan a,b,c,d,e,f lessthan 1.
(ie increase by factor z for each variable results in increase by factor z in U)
Then how come it always feel like the more I feel loved by them, the harder it is for me to feel happy?
So much for simplicity. I'm just freaking out about the release of exam results for this semester. FML.
PS FB Chat really needs to straighten its game. It's hard for me to copy paste convos to laugh at.
뭐야?!
The one using a MacOSX, on Safari 4.0 -- I have two guesses.
#1 You're Jia Jun.
or #2 You're looking out for something on my blog (that I have no clue what).
And why the heck am I getting the NUS network on my trail too?
Did I say/write something wrong?
Cross and change
Can't stop thinking about you.
JO AND TIM!
.. Oops x(
I was only happy that Shaun takes after us! I guess I really shouldn't have.
Well, finally I manage to sign in to MSN. It wasn't working all of yesterday, error code 80048820 again. I really never ever know what to do with that. Whenever my messenger malfunctions, I'm reminded of Shaun haha. Although now isn't a very good time to think of that, since I did something wrong. .__. But I think if it wasn't for him, I would still be living in oblivion and be at a loss whenever I can't sign in! Hahahah I'm such a dork right.
So thank you!
Work ended really early today cos it was so quiet and we were over-staffed. Good to see Tim again! Apparently HAHA my boss just hired two new people. GUESS WHAT THEIR NAMES ARE?
Joanne and Timothy! :D
And we all know he likes to hire people because of their names (names of previous staff who were capable)! Hehe. Though the poor new girl has to be called "Chee" cos she can't be called "Jo" or "Anne" (since we already have an Ann) and "Joanne" is kinda inconvenient to call sometimes! But yay she's the first Joanne I've met here that actually has her name spelt normally! (There's Jo Ann and Jooann. Wth right.) And I heard the new Timothy is kinda cute too! I wonder what we'll call him though! DAMN I wish I could be there for his first shift so I can demand that he be called Tammy! (That used to be my personal nickname for Tim until he kinda threatened to fry me on a hot plate for that embarrassing nickname which arose from Timmy to Timtam to Tammy.)
Well Tim's been really nice lately, and not just to me. And he seemed really happy that Jenny jie thought he was nice. (: I heard he was really tired yesterday (he had two exams in a day, wow?! Molecular Bio and English Lit) so I decided to give him a vitamin C recharge and actually went out of my way to squeeze orange juice for him (you guys need to know this, I HATEHATEHAAAAAAAATE squeezing orange juice)!!!!!! Well then..
I won't be seeing him or any of my work mates till next Saturday so stay healthy and alive till then dudes! Miss you!
Headache!
Aaahh I'm having a massive headache now I don't know why. It came all of a sudden when I woke up after my spooky (but kind of cartoony) nightmare and it's killing me! But I need to stop moaning and groaning about being sick else Mom might find out and get worried.
I'm looking forward to the Commissioning Ball so much more now! Because of Ada (and Eeleng)! (: At first I thought I wouldn't know anybody hahahha (but anyway the point is still to go eligible bachelor-spotting :D). I think Shaun won't have to worry about me talking too much / not having anybody to talk to, then.
So, top on Hari's to-do list for me: make Shaun go clubbing and meet people. I'm getting a headache now thinking about Academy/Moosehead's loud music, argh.. But looks like I don't even have to try now, cos Joshua (don't ask why/how I ended up talking to him) says his mates are planning to crash Butter Factory after the event. I don't know if Shaun would enjoy that though! Well as long as they're having fun and happy it's great. After all, those guys have worked so hard the past 9 months, they deserve it haha.
Come to think of it, Josh and Ada said the same thing about how we should hang out after, just that Ada wanted to book a hotel room and hang out, though she says St Regis would be quite ex. I wonder why, huh. I don't really mind.. cos well since I don't get to go back to Singapore often, I suppose it would be great to spend time with Ada and Eeleng! Hahah I reckon Mom can get us a room at Raffles Hotel or Swissotel Stamford on the card, if Ada really wants to. But it's Shaun's Comms Ball after all, so I'll just do whatever he wants to do! Butter Factory doesn't sound half bad if there're hot guys there! :D Well anyway all that is still so far away. I'm hyped up but there's no point in thinking about all that now.
STILL! By some sheer coincidence I talked to Eeleng, Joshua and Ada today so I inevitably got some of the 'excitement vibes' from them which at least made me feel a bit better from my headache. (: Can somebody email me some paracetamol!
I miss home. I'm so glad Jing is going to be home for Christmas, I'm really looking forward to going home now. (: I wonder if Maria and Karen are going back. I feel like I could just hug Maria in silence for eternity right now.
Can't wait to go snowboarding!
PS. I decided, that the light blue colour is pretty after all! Even though I've never worn blue much before. (:
最熟悉的陌生人
Looking at a picture of youI vaguely remember the day
We hid the carom piece in the tree.
At that time you both were almost all I had, almost all that mattered to me.
Right now I can't say the same but in my memories you were the only guy friend I needed. More than anybody, the one whose shoulder and hug felt so comforting.
It's allright, its okay. I'm not wishing for anything from the past and I'm not wishing to turn back time. Just looking at your smile brings me back to January back then.
Strangely, the significance of that day to me lies no longer in them but in us.
Although I won't be going for your commissioning parade, I want to say I'm happy for you. I always knew, and never doubted for a second that you would become commissioned as an officer. I'm happy for everything you've achieved. But that's about all I can bring myself to feel.
And now seeing the name Nathaniel Ng Li Wen brings no memories to me, and invokes no feelings in me. Hello, to my most familiar stranger.
Breathe
I'm really the queen of oversleeping! But at least I managed to get myself out of home and to the exam hall in time to finish my entire paper and have time to space out for an hour. :X I think I might not score very good impression marks cos my very first question was written in handwriting worse than Gregory Lau's haha cos I ran in at 2:45. I don't even know why the questions were a breeze for me given that its a level 2000 course and I couldn't study for it at all because I fell asleep too early and overslept. ): I already spotted mistakes in the cost of capital question ): valued the loan wrongly. But I hope I get error carried forward marks, it's freaking 22 marks for the question! That's already 5 marks down. Let's just hope that's all the marks I lost for that qn. And I didn't even USE the 11% before tax cost of debt for the Leasing question. Omg. Hahaha.
Enough with geeky ranting. (I'm really glad I'm doing Actuarial / Finance though, it's my pride and joy haha. Although that also means I have to make a greater effort with my studies in order to remain at the top of the top!)
Well just to make this blog post have some point of focus (besides ranting about FINM2001 exam), I found a diary. Obviously I don't have any 'old memories' in my room over here because I left those important ones back in Singapore. But this diary is a birthday gift from dear Jing, before I left for Australia. It's thick and nicely bound, and matches the purse that the Junior Catechists got me (Joanne twinny picked it I think!). I picked it up, unsure what I might've written in there. I've only written in it once, this June.
In my favourite burgundy coloured Uniball Signo 0.38 (which is now gone cos I left it at the restaurant), I wrote down what I thought would be the last of the closing chapter of a story weaved through the years. As my sight fell upon those words, the emotions I was feeling at that time slowly crept their way into my consciousness with crystal clarity. Stinging and burning, brimming in my eyes.
Saying sorry never ached this much. This was what I left behind when I chose to come over.
Well enough of that, I'm changing the focal point again because such topics illicit unnecessary speculation. Here's a few lines from the song one of my beloved Jr Cats, Gareth, wrote and sang for me over the phone today. I'm sorry I took so long to call. So many months late. And though I said I'd call on your birthday, I was a day late.
Breathe Out
Breathe out, one last time
I’ll read you a poem but it ain’t gonna rhyme
Last call, and the lights are low
There’s something that I want you to know
Breathe out, one last time
I’ll be waiting for you, rain or shine
Dreams may shatter and giants will fall
Guess I loved you after all
I’ve been waiting for your call
Guess I need you after all
There’s no time my dear
Get me outta here
Happy Birthday, Gareth Nicholas Fernandez. (:
Tonight
I can't do it, haha. If I keep seeing you there's no way I can do it.
I'm trying but old habits die hard.
E, M
I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you I can just look up
and know the stars are holdin', holdin', holdin' you tonight
I'm missing you tonight, but to be honest I haven't even gotten your birthday present yet. I miss you. I miss you so much I just wanna sit in silence together with you because words lose their practicality when it's between us.
I'm missing you tonight, too. I wonder what you're doing right now, if you've made any real friends yet whom you feel the close connection with like you did with me. You'll always be my most special and my dearest friend, and I want you to always carry that love in your heart and feel comforted wherever you are, however badly things go. We're one in a billion, you're my strength that can never be taken away. (: (I can't stop worrying about you!) I love the knowledge that for the rest of our lives, each beginning of 16 Januarys and 18 Marchs will never be lonely and it definitely will be so this coming year.
Some 700 pages of notes to read tonight
700 SLIDES OF DOOM,
I CHALLENGE YOU.
As a uni student, caffeine becomes your best friend. And the best friend who introduced you to caffeine, gets promoted to become your life-saving godsent angel.
Dear Eunice, my Heeren-Spinelli's-espresso-shot-coffee-princess, tomorrow is your birthday, but I might not be wishing you or calling you tonight because I will be racing against time to finish studying.
Happy happy 19th birthday! Please have enough fun for the two of us. (:
Why am I never stressed.?!
I am only 75% through the entire semester's coursework for Macro, but yet I don't feel stressed at all. My exam starts in 8 hours, and I have this superman mentality that I can definitely finish reading AND revising in time (well not much 'revising' to do since I did all my learning in one day - today)! Haha. Dangerous this girl is so dangerous.
I don't even know why I'm blogging so much these days. I think I was too reliant on updating my Facebook status, previously. Now I'm just doing my best to .. MAKE LIFE BETTER/EASIER! Hahahaha. I don't know if what I'm doing is right, but it's not like it's making anybody sad.
AM I MAKING ANYBODY SAD THESE DAYS?
There's a comment button haha you can tell me what I did.
Scaphoid
It hurts so much I can't study!
And no, I'm not referring to any organs in my circulatory or respiratory system.
Time travel
"Thank goodness, this world has you.
21st June
2nd July
28-29th July
1st August
8th August
26-27th August
30th August
1-4th September
28th September
Don't worry, I'm not obsessive enough to remember all those dates without checking up logs, but I do remember some of them offhand. (:
[01:10:26] joanne,: uhm.
[01:10:31] :{[] X-X~ l>: uhm.
[01:10:35] :{[] X-X~ l>: uhm?
[01:10:37] :{[] X-X~ l>: uhmmm...
[01:10:39] joanne,: well.
[01:10:43] :{[] X-X~ l>: uhm
[01:10:48] :{[] X-X~ l>: well well
[01:10:48] joanne,: can you do me a favour. like.
[01:10:53] :{[] X-X~ l>: like?
[01:10:56] joanne,: it wont take very long see you downstairs.
[01:11:07] :{[] X-X~ l>: downstairs where?
[01:11:24] joanne,: stairs
[01:11:46] :{[] X-X~ l>: alright cya
You change my life- in past, present and future tense."
Mr Tai where are you I need that favour again. I lost. Really badly. I hate that you were right.
Bach's Double Violin Concerto
Today, Dr Wong's MSN nickname broadcasted that she was deathly bored because she just had her wisdom teeth extracted and took 5 days of MC. So I called her.
Its not something I've done before but strangely, I don't feel like a goody two shoes or a teachers pet, just because I have her on Facebook and MSN and feel comfortable calling her any time. I mean, a lot of people tell me that I'm her favourite student; I don't know about that, but she's my favourite teacher for sure. But now I just feel like she's a good mentor and a friend.
So I rang her, and we chatted for a good 15 minutes or so maybe. "I wanna take my MC during the school term cos its so not worth it to take MC during the school holidays!" she said to me. "Whaaat you're damn cheap," I said. As always, she fussed over my health and wellbeing and lectured me abit about waking up late for classes. We talked about stuff like the current MA / MMs in NUS High and how we're spending our holidays. I felt really uplifted. Although I don't think I'll see her this time, cos knowing her she's definitely going to escape somewhere for the holidays.
Oh and we talked about our 三层肉 hahahahaha! That lady asked me how to lose weight, omg! Hahaha why ask ME when I'm in the same state as her.
It was a really good conversation. I needed that. Hahah I'm going to study for Macro now with the same feeling I always get when she tells me to do well for my exams be it music theory, practical, or any other exams. Cos she has heaps of confidence in me, and it makes me have confidence in myself too and I know I won't let her down. :)
(PS. I really miss playing double violin duets with her during class.)
(PPS. DR WONG. I hope you aren't reading my blog still, like you did last time in the June holidays in Y5 or Y6 hahahah :X)
Of miracles and blessings.
Your unreadable expression and look of understanding gave me strength!
"By..?!"
I know I can always count on you.
"If it's hurting so much, go see a doctor already and quit whining!"
Is what you say, whenever I drop a plate or flinch/wince when my wrist hurts, but
"Stop working and go take a seat, Jo! Don't make me yell at you."
Is what you say, as you hand me a plate full of whatever special meal you whipped up for my dinner or snack, that always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside like a spoilt child.
"This is not a popularity contest, Jo. It just so happens that the most popular person won."
Is what you say, when I glare at you when you send me on a break when I didn't want one, and Jeff didn't go on a break, but
"What time did you wake up today? Did you have enough sleep? How many hours of sleep deficit do you have to make up for?"
Is what you say, because you just want me to have some rest.
C, no matter how stinging your words are, I know I can always count on you to make me feel better.
Have you got a moment to spare?
Just take a moment to listen to all the sounds you never listened to before. The slight buzz of the air conditioning, or the fan spinning, the chirps from the birds outside, the distant sound of cars whizzing by, the rustling of the leaves, the sound of your clothes against the chair; Listen to your own breathing, your own heartbeat.
Close your eyes just for a bit. Let your mind wander back to the last place that made you happy, think about the people you were with, the thoughts that went through your mind then, and feel the gentle breeze against your skin as the memory brings you a smile. Just for a minute or two, think about the people and things you've been blessed with, and feel genuinely happy for what you have.
Open your eyes.
Everything unhappy was just a dream.
The most important friends / family
After much hassling from Tim, Jenny jie and Eunice I think I'm gonna head down to see a doctor about my wrist soon. To be honest, though, in my 9 months in Canberra, I haven't seen a single medical centre yet! So I don't really know where to go. I'm kinda scared to go too! Eunice was spooking me out about a possible wrist fracture, which I didn't deem possible cos the pain is still partially bearable most of the time, and there are no signs of swelling. But she says in this case it could still be a fracture even if there isn't any swelling. Sigh, I really shouldn't have been trying to kick Chris in the kitchen that day HAHA. What a bad move, literally.
Its been months, hope my bone isn't 'dissolving away due to lack of blood circulation' as Eunice said it might. I didn't think much of it till recently when I found out that Shu Ning's got wrist tendonitis / Dequarvain's Syndrome on her right wrist which sounds really awful but thankfully I doubt mine's that serious.. yet.
I can't help a smile when I remember the scene where I started throwing almonds at him while making a sundae (or was I just being greedy and eating nuts while working?) and he was making himself a coffee (which I ended up drinking cos he had to go back to cook before he got to drink it). "This is not a popularity contest, Jo. It just so happens that the most popular person won." - Tim, about sending Jeff on a break first although I started first.
Speaking of which, it's really strange when my closer friends either avoid calling my name entirely, or choose to call me Joanne. I'm not really that bothered by this, it's just something I noticed.
Well the weekend was a bit crazy for me. You guys made it heaps better. As it appears, I think I need a few days to get this disorganized state of mind out of my system. Heres something Mom told me, 'When things are difficult for you, don't just think about what difficult times you're going through. It's probably more difficult for the people who care for you.'
Mummy and Daddy, I miss you both heaps, and grandpa and grandma. I really want to see you all soon, but I really don't want to go home anymore. I wish you were here!
(... I think Mum and Dad will be really upset if they know I'm upset though..!)
G, Eunice, Hari, Mira, Tiff, Ameera, Benedict, Benji, Rachel, Joanne, Karina, Jane, Gareth, Deb, Jing, Karen, Tian, Maria, Sam, Xinyin, Nic, Cai Yue, Jenny jie, Andrew kor, Janice, Yunqi, Hanming, Samuel, Dan, Dave, MMs, Dr Wong, Kegan, Nanos, Elaine & our boys, Stanley, Theo, Gabriel, Shaun, Jacque, Alex, Si Ming, Bryan, Brandan I miss all of you so much all of a sudden. My clouded vision is clearing up literally. I'm sorry sorry sorry to all of you who worried! Hahahah CATCH YOU ALL WHEN I GET HOME. I'll be sure to bring a transcript with straight High Distinctions and heaps of christmas presents home so look forward to welcoming me home! I'll always love you guys more than anything (but less than mummy daddy and my loving Father). (:
Grandpa and Grandma, I'll be praying for you both everyday and every night, so please be allright. I'm so scared, I can't sleep. But I'm going to try to be positive and stay happy about all the non-equilibrium that might be going on around me. I'm really sorry, and I really miss you both. Stay healthy and Jo will be back home to see you all soon okay? 公公 & Ahma, 我爱你 always!
A little bit of privacy
Hahaha blogging is the most out-of-fashion thing in this world, isn't it?
Sometimes I try to write in a dramatic way, and act like I know what love is. Seriously-- I don't. So all the things from the beginning of this blog like Joanne loves Daniel very much,=the moment I fell in love with you, I think I might like you, etc etc -- How much of it even deserves to be taken at face value, you guys judge for yourselves.
Sometimes the biggest words like love, deserve only to be treated as nothing more than clouded judgement. That's something I gathered after realizing how much trouble my words and attempts at sounding poetic and dramatic could bring to somebody. (That's what happens when I think nobody reads my boring space on the WWW. Hahah!) I take all of it back.
I think I've become a pro at deleting.
By the way THANKS for the invite B. ): You're the sweetest.
